I’m hoping 2015 is better. 2014 kind of sucked. My daughter was born in June 2013 so really, 2014 should have been a great year with fun firsts but it did kind of suck. With everything that Luke has been going through, my poor daughter was on the back burner. She even has a UTI right now and I’m feeling so guilty about it because I didn’t even know. Her aunt was the one that figured out something was wrong. I feel like shit because of it, not to mention sad because my poor little girl is in pain and I didn’t even realize it. I’m just so goddamn tired that it’s hard to even function properly.

Luke is still sleeping terribly. I just tried to type up an example and cannot even remember the dates of when things happened. But one day this week he slept from 11pm – 2am, and then from 6am – 8am. Of course I was up with him, he actually got so mad that he grabbed his neck and pinched it and it looks like a little bat bit him. It’s so hard, I don’t know how to handle him when he’s so mad. He knows the alphabet and numbers (side note, amazing right?!) so he is smart enough to know right from wrong. There is no doubt. I don’t know how to deal with him being up in the middle of the night, he just wants to go play but I can’t allow that because it sets a bad precedent. But then I have to deal with him fighting for 4 hours. It’s exhausting. I am getting a headache just thinking of it. My husband works nights and gets home late and is with the kids during most weekdays so he doesn’t get up with Luke. Besides I would rather because I have more patience but it sure as hell would be nice to have one night every so often to just sleep. Last night I slept 12am – 7am, woke up once in the middle because Luke was rustling around for 10 minutes or so and I feel like I slept for 4 days. It’s ridiculous. I don’t even want to know how my health is…

I follow this facebook apraxia page and all these moms say their kid had a huge breakthrough around 3.5 or 4. Luke will be 3.5 in April. I don’t want time to pass but I do…I am so anxious and worried and nervous about the future. What if he doesn’t have a breakthrough? These moms say their kids were like Luke and then all the sudden they start talking. I don’t know if that is going to happen. I think his apraxia is so severe that maybe he won’t talk until much later. And I don’t know how I’m going to be able to help him if he isn’t able to communicate with us. Do I get an AAC device? I don’t know. Maybe we should but am I jumping the gun? It’s so frustrating to not know what is going to happen. He can’t even tell us a story, that kills me. I know he wants to, he has so much in his little mind but he can’t tell us about it. He can’t tell us how he went #2 in the potty on his own and was so proud of himself, he can’t brag about it, he just smiles and then the moment is over. He can’t tell his grandma about it. He can’t tell his aunts about it. He has to rely on us to speak for him. It’s so unfair. Why does this happen to an innocent little child?

I’m just wondering how 2015 will be. Will Luke be able to say more? Will he get more frustrated because he can’t? Will I get my shit together and be able to notice when my daughter is sick? Will we ever sleep through the night again?

I forgot to talk about the holidays. We didn’t go anywhere. It’s way too much for Luke to be in a crowded house with a ton of people ripping presents open so we stayed home. It was fantastic. I had a small portion of my family over a few days after Christmas and that was plenty. Most of my family is good about it, even though very few of them talk about what’s going on with Luke. I don’t know how to feel about that. I’m pretty pissed that only my mom and my cousin and his wife even acknowledged Luke’s walk for apraxia. My mom was there of course, and my cousin/his wife gave a really nice donation and really did take the time to tell me they wanted to be there. I don’t know if people don’t know what to say or if they don’t think it’s as serious as it is. Not sure. My friends are amazing though, we have so many friends that are so supportive. I should count my blessings but today I feel like complaining.